Past Secrets of a wife: Between Fear of Revelation and Safety of Concealment

My dear daughter,

We are living in an era where a relentless war is being waged between modernism and traditions.

Boys and girls are mixing freely within families, schools, workplaces, markets, and all the other areas of normal life. Naturally, they have contacts, friendship and sometimes it may lead to an emotional bond. But most of the time due to social boundaries, religious norms and other similar reasons they can't turn these innocent relations into a permanent bond in the form of marriage.

The problem starts when a wife innocently thinks that it is an aspect of her love or loyalty to her newly wed husband to come clean about her youthful follies. Another common mistake is the naive young bride's assumption that her confessions about all the past propositions that she rejected in favour of him, will earn her the lasting gratitude of her husband. She acknowledges all such things in good faith as a proof of her sincere love and loyalty. But she forgets the masculine nature which always prefers an unsullied and chaste wife. Doubts start creeping into the heart of the husband and a happy marriage quickly degenerates into a mistrustful one.

I would like to tell my daughters that Islamically it is not allowed to involve in unnecessary talks or actions. Before pronouncing any word, assess its utility and benefit. Are there not other ways to prove your love, rather than by talking about your past?

Why to adopt means that he may misunderstand and find hurtful?

Don't you know that scholars don't allow you to talk about your previous marriages or previous engagements, or previous proposals, and similar lawful occurences? How then do you dare to talk about your illegal or unethical premarital relations which cause negative feelings in your husband?

Don't you know that it is a grave sin to mention the mistakes which have been covered by Allah? Don't you know that you are going against the guidance of Allah and the Prophet SAW by relating your sins?

My dear son, don't you know that the Prophet (PBUH) said that a person after repentance becomes like the one who never committed the sin? Hence, discussing about the past of your wife is destructive, a devilish ploy and a means of ruining your life. There is no benefit at all in digging into the past of your wife. We have been ordered to cover the mistakes of people! What of the matter of uncovering them at the cost of harming yourself, your loved ones and destabilizing your life?!?

Don't you know that doubt only begets doubts, and that satan is keen to create doubts and destroy your life?

I would like to tell my daughters that they must bury their past and must not share their male friendship incidents with their husbands. Even if the husbands try to know their past they must cover it and avoid it for the sake of their martial life.

Dear son, I advise you to ignore your wife's mistakes even if you come to know of it accidentally. She is not different from you. She might have had shortcomings like you. Isn't it part of our Eeman to love for others what we love for ourselves?

Know that the foundation of a happy marital life is ignoring the shortcomings and forgiving the mistakes of each other.

Sheikh Abdus Salam al-Madani

Founder,

Aspire College of Excellence (Chennai and Bangalore)